A friendship can be one of the most valuable, rewarding relationships we have in life. But defining the word 'friend' can be challenging-especially when most of us have very different standards by which we measure our friends. Back in the day, calling someone a friend meant that this person was of the utmost importance to you, someone you shared good and bad times with, someone who you forged a cherished bond with, and someone who would always have your back. How do we even establish a friendship? It usually begins when you meet someone you have things in common with. Friends laugh, share secrets, and trust each other a great deal.
Over time, the word 'friend' has become a distorted concept we use as a cover up. Especially when it comes to the male/female arena. Years ago, Biz
Markie exposed it when he penned the song, "Just A Friend".
Yall know the lyrics,
"You, you got what I need-but you say he's just a friend, but you say he's just a friend..." In this song he talks about a woman who claimed the man in her life was only her friend, though her actions proved otherwise. Then, some years later we end up with the term, "Friends with benefits". As if this is a more politically correct way of saying the word friendship has been redefined to include sex.
Webster defines the word friend as
"one attached to another by affection or esteem, or a favored companion". Now that's a tricky definition, because of the use of heavy words like
attached and
affection.
Affection is defined as a moderate feeling, emotion or tender attachment. This definition doesn't at all help us to have healthy relationships with men. Most of us consider affection physical,but it's not. You can be affectionate with someone by smiling, paying a compliment or just being pleasant. I've always considered myself an affectionate person, because I tend to hug people a lot-but that's touchy
feely. And I'll be the first to admit that my touchy
feelyness with guy friends is one of the first steps that blurs the line between friendship and dating.
Now I'm investigative by nature, so I'm always trying to get to the bottom of something. The dictionary is resourceful- but it's the world's resource as well.
Ah, but Thank God for the Bible! And this of course is the #1 source for believers
(should be anyway). We have a very clear example of what a friend truly is with Jesus. In John 15:13-17, He ministers to us by telling us exactly what his idea of a friend is. His dying for us was a price that we will never fully comprehend-yet it teaches us that dying, or giving up your life-is a sacrificial act that we do for those we love, especially our friends. We can
listen, help, encourage, inspire, motivate, empower, and give whatever is necessary for that person to become the best they can be. Single women are known for saying that we aren't in a relationship, but that we have friends. Male friends, that we spend countless hours on the phone with well into the wee hours of the night, that take us out on dates, whose girlfriends we don't like
(wonder why?), and that honestly we consider our 'backup baby-daddy' should Mr. Right never come. Now, I will be honest and say that I have had severe trouble being 'friends' with a man whom I find attractive. So, in the past when I've met someone that I was supposed to just be friends with, it ended up becoming more than that. I find it a bit easier to be friends after the relationship has ended, because now I already know why he isn't the one for me. But unhealthy patterns like these keep us entangled in situations and circumstances that actually prevent us from being free enough to even meet the man God has chosen for us. I've learned the hard way that not every man I meet is potential husband material.
Oh, my sisters, how excruciatingly painful and exhausting it is to try to mold a man into who you want him to be,instead of just allowing him to be the man he is! I prayed and asked for help concerning platonic friendships, and though I'm still learning, I've come to understand where I was going wrong.
First of all, we must conquer our biggest barrier- constantly thinking,
"Could He Be The One?" I believe there are some incredible men out there, sent to us while we are single to teach us about men, and prepare us for the one. But we decide that since he's
a man, he must be
our man. Even the woman in the image above
(I chose it carefully) is giving her friend the eye and he's just enjoying her company.
Just because he hangs out with you doesn't mean he's yours, or that he even looks at you in that way! Imagine this: You spend years befriending a man who you hope will someday look at you and say, "You're it. You've always been the one for me", but instead- he ends up in love with another woman? Exactly. We would feel betrayed, rejected, and probably stop talking to him altogether. But if we examine our motives upfront, we wouldn't create this emotional turmoil for ourselves. I know someone who is engaged, but is often seen flirting and touching other men she considers 'friends'. This is the perfect setup for an unhealthy marriage. Having lustful thoughts and actions towards every man takes away from our future relationship. Even those of us who aren't dating anyone, must be cautious with how we spend time with and relate to our male friends. Going to intimate places alone(i.e the movies, dimly lit restaurants), cuddling, smooching,holding hands, and lusting after each other is not at all friendship. Would you do it with your girl? Exactly.
I will end here, but sum it all up in three bullet points when pursuing healthy friendships with men:
- Be totally honest with yourself. Be willing to examine your heart for any hidden motives.
- Flirting,having intimate talks, and fantasizing about him is actually a dangerous territory and blurs the lines. Emotional integrity is a requirement for platonic friendship. Is he really just your friend, are you hoping for more?
- Pursuing a first love relationship with Jesus Christ, the best friend any of us could have, and he always wants to hang out with us.
God Bless you my sisters, and I can't wait to hear your feedback!
