A friendship can be one of the most valuable, rewarding relationships we have in life. But defining the word 'friend' can be challenging-especially when most of us have very different standards by which we measure our friends. Back in the day, calling someone a friend meant that this person was of the utmost importance to you, someone you shared good and bad times with, someone who you forged a cherished bond with, and someone who would always have your back. How do we even establish a friendship? It usually begins when you meet someone you have things in common with. Friends laugh, share secrets, and trust each other a great deal.
Over time, the word 'friend' has become a distorted concept we use as a cover up. Especially when it comes to the male/female arena. Years ago, Biz Markie exposed it when he penned the song, "Just A Friend". Yall know the lyrics, "You, you got what I need-but you say he's just a friend, but you say he's just a friend..." In this song he talks about a woman who claimed the man in her life was only her friend, though her actions proved otherwise. Then, some years later we end up with the term, "Friends with benefits". As if this is a more politically correct way of saying the word friendship has been redefined to include sex.
Webster defines the word friend as "one attached to another by affection or esteem, or a favored companion". Now that's a tricky definition, because of the use of heavy words like attached and affection. Affection is defined as a moderate feeling, emotion or tender attachment. This definition doesn't at all help us to have healthy relationships with men. Most of us consider affection physical,but it's not. You can be affectionate with someone by smiling, paying a compliment or just being pleasant. I've always considered myself an affectionate person, because I tend to hug people a lot-but that's touchy feely. And I'll be the first to admit that my touchy feelyness with guy friends is one of the first steps that blurs the line between friendship and dating.
Now I'm investigative by nature, so I'm always trying to get to the bottom of something. The dictionary is resourceful- but it's the world's resource as well. Ah, but Thank God for the Bible! And this of course is the #1 source for believers (should be anyway). We have a very clear example of what a friend truly is with Jesus. In John 15:13-17, He ministers to us by telling us exactly what his idea of a friend is. His dying for us was a price that we will never fully comprehend-yet it teaches us that dying, or giving up your life-is a sacrificial act that we do for those we love, especially our friends. We can listen, help, encourage, inspire, motivate, empower, and give whatever is necessary for that person to become the best they can be. Single women are known for saying that we aren't in a relationship, but that we have friends. Male friends, that we spend countless hours on the phone with well into the wee hours of the night, that take us out on dates, whose girlfriends we don't like(wonder why?), and that honestly we consider our 'backup baby-daddy' should Mr. Right never come. Now, I will be honest and say that I have had severe trouble being 'friends' with a man whom I find attractive. So, in the past when I've met someone that I was supposed to just be friends with, it ended up becoming more than that. I find it a bit easier to be friends after the relationship has ended, because now I already know why he isn't the one for me. But unhealthy patterns like these keep us entangled in situations and circumstances that actually prevent us from being free enough to even meet the man God has chosen for us. I've learned the hard way that not every man I meet is potential husband material. Oh, my sisters, how excruciatingly painful and exhausting it is to try to mold a man into who you want him to be,instead of just allowing him to be the man he is! I prayed and asked for help concerning platonic friendships, and though I'm still learning, I've come to understand where I was going wrong.
First of all, we must conquer our biggest barrier- constantly thinking, "Could He Be The One?" I believe there are some incredible men out there, sent to us while we are single to teach us about men, and prepare us for the one. But we decide that since he's a man, he must be our man. Even the woman in the image above(I chose it carefully) is giving her friend the eye and he's just enjoying her company. Just because he hangs out with you doesn't mean he's yours, or that he even looks at you in that way! Imagine this: You spend years befriending a man who you hope will someday look at you and say, "You're it. You've always been the one for me", but instead- he ends up in love with another woman? Exactly. We would feel betrayed, rejected, and probably stop talking to him altogether. But if we examine our motives upfront, we wouldn't create this emotional turmoil for ourselves. I know someone who is engaged, but is often seen flirting and touching other men she considers 'friends'. This is the perfect setup for an unhealthy marriage. Having lustful thoughts and actions towards every man takes away from our future relationship. Even those of us who aren't dating anyone, must be cautious with how we spend time with and relate to our male friends. Going to intimate places alone(i.e the movies, dimly lit restaurants), cuddling, smooching,holding hands, and lusting after each other is not at all friendship. Would you do it with your girl? Exactly.
I will end here, but sum it all up in three bullet points when pursuing healthy friendships with men:
- Be totally honest with yourself. Be willing to examine your heart for any hidden motives.
- Flirting,having intimate talks, and fantasizing about him is actually a dangerous territory and blurs the lines. Emotional integrity is a requirement for platonic friendship. Is he really just your friend, are you hoping for more?
- Pursuing a first love relationship with Jesus Christ, the best friend any of us could have, and he always wants to hang out with us.
3 comments:
Great blog....
My struggle has been the opposite struggle....
or maybe it hasn't been exactly opposite...
it's been one of being SCARED TO DEATH about the prospect of being friends with any man that I was even the slightest bit attracted to in any way shape or form....
It got to the point where I just wanted to stay far far far far far far away from any and every man that I could possibly be attracted to or who I thought could be attracted to me. I wanted to skip over the whole part where I start to care about him, he doesn't see me that way and marries someone else....
It's hard because people automatically say "then you're motives were't pure" but I always would feel like they were belittleing my struggle....
I don't know how to express how painful rejection has been in my life.....
It got to the point where I didn't even want to smile or be nice...at all...
that might lead to us being friends, which might lead to me caring about him which might lead to me being in love with him which (in my mind) was SURE to lead to me being rejected...AGAIN...for sure...
and I just didn't know if I could handle the pain of any more rejection.
Even now, I've heard God speak clearly about a specific situation in my life regarding being open to a friendship with a man that I'm spiritually attracted to and that God has said very specific things about (he's not bad on the eyes either LOL)....and even in the midst of that...
reading your thought provoking blog....
I guess....
kinda makes me a little scared....
ofcourse of the possibility of getting hurt by rejection again.
I know that God is a promise keeper and that he does not lie....and I know that the fear doesn't come from him....
but there are those of us who do struggle with this topic....in that way...and that can be very painful. I also feel like maybe this section of the female popuyation is not ministered to as much for some reason. MAybe it's becuase we're a minority. But it just seems underrepresented and under ministered to (if that's even proper english).
Anyways, thanks for your blog....
this was definitely an interesting blog after struggling for years with being friends with a guy and than crossing the line and unfortunately there really isn't a going back once you cross it. i have been that girl who was friends with a guy who i thought i would end up with and in the end he married another the secret that help me was i became honest with myself and decided that if i was attracted to him we couldn't be friends at least not platonic if i wanted more i said that if it didnt happen i picked myself up from the rejection and moved on...easier said than done
i have learnt that having a platonic relationship with a guy can be very rewarding if it is strictly that a girl sometime needs that male perspective
but ladies please first trust in God and when he tells you to leave the friendship do just that and most importantly dont invest your heart into someone who is telling you all they want is a friendship
as far as the previous blog i would say trust God's voice and know that if he is leading you to someone to befriend he won't ever lead you astray just think Jesus was the bestest friend to us all what a great joy to be able to give a portion of that friendship to someone else
This topic is so real. I personally never sought platonic relationship with guys unless they were unattractive. And if they were attractive, we definitely were going for the friends/benefits title. I rarely invested too much because, most guys let you know where you stand with them the moment you introduce yourself, or they introduce their selves to you. If a guy walks up saying "damn your thick", or "you got some sexy lips", ladies come on lets be real with ourselves, we know what they want. A simple look from a guy let me know what he was on, and I was always up for the challenge (the old me that God for Deliverance). We can avoid the heartbreak by not developing anything with guys who are seeking a sexual relationship, or a dip, or just a hit it and quit it. And stop hoping the brother may change, if he is yours, God will send him back to your correctly. You can not mold anybody only the blood of Jesus can. If you get involved with someone you knew was whoring, then you just marry a whore until God changes him. So, let’s not fool ourselves, first impressions are priceless.
But what about those males who we are not attracted too, or interested in beyond friends. Yet we know they do things constantly showing us that they want more. Are we being Christian women by keeping them around giving them hope, allowing them to wine and dine us. Expecting that maybe one day if all else fails they would show us they are the "one." Yeah right. We need to let those brothers down gently and with love. If God has not revealed it, then this is either not your season or not the one at all. Stop taking his calls or calling him when you feeling lonely, call on God. Stop allowing him to fill that void "I just need a little male attention void". Because if he is not the one, he sure is making the ONE back off, and making you look unapproachable. Guys do not have the same belief as women when it comes to their mate. They do not believe in just platonic relationships, so when the see you and "your friend out" they assume you with your guy." So leave Mr. Maybe, or Mr. Possibility alone. Allow God to feel that void.
On another note stop investing feelings into any man, especially your heart. God is supposed to possess that portion of us solely. You heart in this sine is that ideology that that cute brother at the corner store could be the one, or the guy w/cute eyes is the one. GOD IS THE ONE PERIOD. We let ourselves down by setting up expectations that are not in God's will. Your husband will find you, and not the other way around. Proverbs 18:22 "Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing...." I know it is especially hard to just stand back and trust God, when you do have something you are interested in right in your face. Someone you are spiritually attracted to, and physically. But still wait on the Lord. An Evangelist spoke at our church and said something that has kept my attention, “ that her husband knew she was the one by her praise.” Wow, in the midst of worshipping seeking only God… Her future husband saw through the crowd and recognized his rib.
Male friendships are very possible but not in you invest your heart as soon as someone compliments you or says hello to you twice in a Sunday. Always make sure that you and your platonic friend knows the status of your relationship. And honestly, it is not very healthy to have relationships with individuals you have had past sexual relationships with. These are called soul ties, break them. You both can be delivered but….. still take heed unless you fall.
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