Harvest Time

It's interesting to me that we often compare our single lives with Esther in the bible. But what do we stand to learn from Ruth's journey? I've heard many of my church friends say they are waiting for their "Boaz". Nevertheless, if we look more closely, we will see that Ruth wasn't just standing around waiting for anything. She made a decision; a life-changing decision to help another woman...one that she wasn't joined to by blood, money, business, or obligation of any sort. This woman was no longer her mother-in-law, yet Ruth felt that it was indeed her privilege to follow Naomi and see after her. During a time of grief and sorrow-they could've parted ways, and as Naomi told her-"I have nothing to give you, not even another son who could grow up and be your husband."

But Ruth wasn't looking out for her own personal gain. She wasn't on that "me first" kick that so many of us are on today. Don't get it twisted-we have to take care of ourselves in order to serve others properly; but SERVE is the key word here. Ruth clearly had the heart of a servant, and in her heart she wanted only to serve Naomi. So she followed her, made a commitment to take care of her and was in the end very richly rewarded.

Ruth did what she had to do. Now I'm not trying to knock Esther's spa treatments and etiquette lessons,(just kidding-her journey was different) but Ruth's labor wasn't quite as easy. It was during a season of Harvest (just as it is now) when Boaz witnessed the hard work and tenacity of this woman. He instantly noticed something special about her. Ruth didn't go in there with a Jezebel spirit, trying to be sexy and seductive while sneakily attempting to control things; nor did she go in with a victim spirit like someone had to save her.

Let's cut to the chase right here-How are you serving others while in waiting (or in pursuit) of your Boaz? We claim to really thoroughly enjoy our "singleness", yet we aren't doing anything to reap its rewards. Do you know what your purpose is? And if you do, are you actively pursuing it? Or are you just hanging out and going on dates with the hopes that Prince Charming will marry you and sweep you off your feet and away from the responsibility of your own life? I'm sure I've said this before; but I feel like I should say it again: Become the woman you are meant to become, and your Husband will find you.

Becoming that woman will mean many different things for each of us. For some of us it will be to heal and let go of all that bitterness that makes us unapproachable. Perhaps some of us need to stop thinking about men so much and focus on finding out who we really are outside of our jobs and kids. Some of us have foundations to start, other women besides your closest friends to encourage, teenagers to mentor, businesses to start, books to write, and exes to get over. Others have no idea what they are passionate about (besides men). We talk a lot about the 'freedoms' of being single, as in traveling and spending your money on you...These things only serve you, and therefore they won't truly improve the quality of your life, they just sound good.

When Boaz found Ruth she was hard at work in the Harvest field. I'll bet it wasn't at all glamorous! Will you be out in the field working this summer? Or spending all your money on hairdos and outfits for the Taste of Chicago? What about me? Well, it's harvest season, so I'm gonna get to work!


Blessings,

Verse

GREAT EXPECTATIONS

I have had the pleasure of reconnecting with an old friend from high school. I'm sure most of you would agree that social websites like Facebook are very valuable, and you can almost find ANYONE from your past. This friend also happened to be a guy that I had a crush on during my sophomore year. We never dated; we only spoke on the phone a few times before I was coerced into doing a 3-way phone call with him and a girlfriend to see "what he would do" if she pretended to be interested in him as well.

As I listened in, I realized that he was human...she called him up, put on her best sexy voice and played a game that I would venture to say only high school aged girls do-but I know that's not true. Her attempts to help me "see where his head was" resulted in my being broken-hearted. He played right into what she was saying, and they agreed to meet up outside a particular class during 8th period. Even though he didn't show up, and probably didn't take it seriously, in my mind this was a clear warning that I wasn't good enough for him and he was going to hurt me. I stopped speaking to him without ever confronting the situation and being honest enough to admit we played a game on him. I just chalked him up to being a 'playa' and went home to cry my eyes out and write in my journal about how ugly I was, and how my booty wasn't big enough and the boys didn't like me. I felt that my friend was so pretty she could have any guy she wanted-and of course he would respond to her because all the guys did. I was already insecure and self-conscious and obviously didn't think enough of myself to just believe that this guy liked me for me.I was doomed for the start...with all this mental jargon, I didn't have any room in my head to just get to know him.

This experience taught me a lot about expectations. See, at 16 years old I wasn't assertive enough to say no to something that made me uncomfortable. Why did I allow someone else to decide how I was going to measure a man's integrity? And why did that have to include game playing and manipulation? Ironically, we never called any of her male friends to play that same game! Even though he was only 17; I expected him to respond by telling my friend he wasn't the slightest bit interested in her- because we were talking. We had only spoken on the phone for a few weeks before this happened,and I really liked him...until the 3-way happened. I ceased all contact with him only because he had failed to meet my expectations.

Ladies, it's amazing how we rush into relationships thinking that we are supposed to set the standard by how well a guy responds to our demands. We hardly ever take the time to really, truly get to know who he is before we decide he belongs to us. We take points off his rating chart immediately if he does things we don't like. This is where the pressure to deceive us begins for men. If he smokes cigarettes, but you despise smoking...he may feel pressured to not smoke around you; and in your eyes that might make him a liar, or a fake. If you're just getting to know him and you haven't discussed being exclusive, why does he need to turn his phone on silent and pretend his other female friends don't exist? If you're at dinner and he notices an attractive woman walk by, why should you get angry if he's just your friend?

What's interesting to me is that we do not take men at their word. A lot of times they tell us EXACTLY what they are willing or not willing to do. "I'm not obligated to anyone," or "I'm not ready for a relationship..." But somewhere between their words and our ears, the message gets lost and we feel they should do what we want them to do. But it is soooooo important that we learn to be friends first. That means I don't expect him to pay for dinner, I can't get mad if he doesn't return my phone call, and if he happens to want to see someone else-that shouldn't cease our friendship. Think about it-if your girl did any of these things, you wouldn't be upset with her, because she's your friend. And yall know sometimes we don't call each other right back, and we always split the bill when we go out to dinner!!! Why should it be any different when it comes to a guy friend? Just because you're interested in him and there may even be some chemistry-doesn't mean you try to train his behavior. The best thing we can do is to just lean back and relax and just enjoy the process. Let him show you who he really is before you start to invest all your assets. If you have a hard time keeping expectations low because you held hands at the movies or kissed at dinner, then perhaps you need to discuss this with him. It's funny that we hardly ever communicate how we are feeling and thinking to the man, but tell our girlfriends everything. "Girl, I just don't know...he didn't even call me back last night. He was probably out with some..." Now how easy would it be to just say "listen, I know that we're just friends but it makes me uneasy when you don't return my calls..." Let him respond the way he naturally would, as opposed to what you want to hear, and this is how you get to know someone.

Many relationships fail when people are pressured to become someone they aren't. I don't know about you ladies, but I would much rather a man spend time with me because he genuinely wants to- not because he feels obligated. He may have other options, but his choosing to call me and hang out with me lets me know where he stands. And I don't have to play games to figure this out!

In conclusion, it's been 16 years since I last saw my high school crush...and this weekend we hung out. We had a spectacular time, and it's definitely the beginning of an incredible friendship. I am refusing to carry a long list of expectations of what and who he's supposed to be and do for me. Instead, I'm just going to enjoy his company and see where it goes...I believe that whatever God wants to be will be.

God Bless you Ladies, and I can't wait to hear your thoughts!

EVERY WOMAN?

Greetings Ladies! Yes, it has been awhile...but no love lost, I've just been super-busy. I was listening to the radio yesterday, and an old song came on, the lyrics: "Whatever you want, whatever you need...anything you want done baby, I'll do it naturally. Cause I'm every woman, It's all in me.." Even more ironic than the song, was the woman singing it-Whitney Houston herself. I think back to when she first sang that song and the video where she was deliriously happy and pregnant with her and Bobby Brown's 'lovechild'. Perhaps at that time she thought she was 'Every Woman', and that she could be everything Bobby Brown wanted her to be, including a crackhead. Reflecting on who she was before that relationship to now, there is quite a difference.

Who we become when we are in a relationship is always something to be best measured by how our lives change. A woman who is lively and vibrant, then becomes distant and sullen is not reaping the benefits of a healthy relationship. Instead she is most likely investing all that she has for the sake of being in the relationship. Now, relationships are all about give and take, but in a healthy balance that doesn't leave anyone compromising who they were created to be. But why do we feel it's necessary to give far beyond what we have?

We've done it all, from changing our hairstyles, to the way we dress. We spend money we don't have to help "support him", then if it turns out he doesn't wanna be with us or we aren't the one for him we end up bitter. He's a football fanatic, so now we are too. We become their Mothers, over-nurturing and catering;trying to solve every problem he might have. We take on their children and try to be Step-mom of the year. Whatever he needs, we immediately feel it's our responsibility to provide. He needs a suit, he needs a tie, he needs bus fare, he's hungry, he needs new shoes, He needs to go to church, maybe he'll come with me.We sacrifice the needs of our own children just to be everything to them, we stop taking care of ourselves to please him, "I need to get my hair done, but he's broke so..." This leaves us empty and spiritually bankrupt. But we keep pursuing the man, the relationship at all costs, losing ourselves every step of the way.

Consider this: If you lose sight of who you are and your purpose then he isn't the one. It is impossible to become 'Every Woman' to keep a man. If you don't like long walks on the beach, but he does, or you're shy and reserved but he's a talker-then don't try to become a super talkative beach lover just to keep him interested. It's a juggling act that is exhausting to keep up, and after awhile we see that it is impossible to change someone, but what you're doing to yourself if far more detrimental. All that giving, and what do you get back?

The over-investing part is what makes us wanna slash tires and cuss out his mama when the relationship ends. Because you never liked her anyway, but you faked it to be 'Every Woman'. And you figure you have the right to slash his tires, because after all-you bought them anyway, right? But, why did you buy them? Its one thing to buy something because you want to, not for what you hope to get in return. Ladies, we've got to stop doing things to keep men that we assume will end up in a marriage proposal. We've gotta stop chasing men who are "Just Not That Into Us", we've got to leave MARRIED men alone, and we've gotta stop looking for love everywhere.

We all know the scripture; "He who finds a wife,finds a good thing.." My suggestion is this: Find your purpose, Live your life, Love yourself, and the one created for you will FIND YOU. Don't try to be 'Every Woman', find out who YOU are; and Be that Woman.

Blessings,

Verse

Ready To Say "I DO?"

How many times have you been a bridesmaid? I've done it enough times to host an Ugly Dress Convention. But we all know that satin monstrosity of a dress you get stuck with is usually just the icing on the cake. Deep down we're wondering, "When the heck am I gonna get married?"

The question is, are we Really Ready? Sure, the idea of marriage is exciting. Picking out the dress, the cake, and the venue are usually the first things we get frantic about. Then we think about the lonely days coming to an end. Great Sex. Emotional security, financial stability. Getting out of debt, and buying the house with the white picket fence. Having his babies. Family vacations, being held every night, and spending up his money. Someone else taking the trash out, warming up the car, carrying the groceries, and the list goes on and on. Spend some time with someone whose been married for years, and they'll be the first to tell you: It's no fantasy! Marriage is commitment and commitment is work. Marriage is dropping the "I" to become "WE".

The thing I'm starting to love about being single is this: Jesus loves me so much, that before he blesses me with a mate-he's allowing me to fall in love with him, and work on our relationship. He's teaching me how to be selfless, and how to serve him effectively in ministry. And the responsibility of this is huge. He's teaching me how to be patient with him(especially when I don't get my way), and how to allow him to care for my emotional needs so that I don't burden my man with them-but rather work them out with someone who knows all the answers. He's teaching me the difference between joy and happiness. And he's giving me the room to work through my past wounds, so I can become emotionally whole without harming another man.

Consider this: The most important lesson we can learn in our singleness is the power of Commitment,Compromise, and Sacrifice. To say "I Do", means to say "Yes" to all these things. During my worship time yesterday, I was listening to the song "Yes" by Shekinah Glory. Now, I've listened to this song many times while screaming yes,yes,yes to the Lord. But this time He spoke to me about what saying yes really means:

"Are you really ready to say yes? You single women want so desperately to say yes to a man, but can you say yes to me? Not just with words but with your actions? There is more that I require of thee.. Can you comitt your life to me, even when it gets hard and you don't like it? Even when it hurts, and makes you uncomfortable? I predestined you before the world began to do my will! Come on up a little higher, think higher, seek my face, hear my voice-and when you hear my voice, harden not your heart. Can you committ to serving me for the rest of your life? For better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health? Can you say Yes, I do to that?"

In that moment, I was completely blown away. Wow! We spend so much time wondering why we don't have the man, why we're alone, why this, why that, why,why why? That we completely forget about what we should be doing for the Lord. Satan uses our emotions to trick us into believing that we need to get married to have our needs met. But that's especially when it's soooo not about us! Life never is! It's about service to someone else. I feel my help coming! If we, in our singleness are not ready and willing to comitt to Jesus, then what gives us the right to expect a Great man?!

Are you ready to say "Yes, I do"? This was my response to the Lord yesterday, But I'll share with you all, so we can do this together... and that way we can hold each other accountable:

Jesus, my love...Today I say Yes to you. And I'll continue to say Yes, because my flesh is incomplete and imperfect without you. Yes, I'll follow you. Yes, I'll go wherever you want me to go. Yes, I'll present my body as a living sacrifice. Yes, give up my will for yours. Yes, I will walk in my purpose. Yes, I'll seek your face. Yes, I'll listen for your voice. Yes, I'll spend time with you. Yes, I'll put aside my selfish wants and desires to give you what you need. Yes, I'll communicate with you and tell you what's in my heart. Yes, I'll allow you to heal me. Yes, I'll take the time to get to know you better. Yes, I'll comitt to learning more about you. Yes, I'll tell others about you. Yes, Yes, Yes. For now and forever, until death do us part.. as long as we both shall live, I do.

A commitment made to the Lord is hard work, but much more fulfilling,valuable and rewarding than one made to man. And a much bigger responsibility. Sometimes husbands leave, or die, and the Lord is still there...committed to you. Are you ready to say, "I DO?

Blessings,

Verse

P.S This pic was sent to me from the bride and she commented on my lack of interest in catching the bouquet. I would be the one you see in the black and white dress watching the bridesmaids go for it!

Sexual Healing

Is it just me? Or does the Winter seem like the perfect time for steamy, sizzling, sexual escapades? Come on, girls don't be shy! You know those days when it's too cold to go outside, so you stay in? The perfect snowy afternoon with a little jazz playing in the background, vanilla scented candles and a soothing hot bath while the heat in your home is on full blast? Maybe that's just my fantasy... But it definitely sounds like the perfect getaway!

And I do mean get away. See, winter is also the home of most major holidays-Thanksgiving, Christmas, and our favorite: Valentine's Day. Thanksgiving is designed to bring us closer to family, and be grateful. Christmas is a bit more intimate, though. Have you been downtown during the Christmas season? It seems like everyone is in love. Couples are everywhere, holding hands, sipping hot chocolate, and shopping for gifts. It's truly something to be in a department store and spot the finest brother ever shopping the women's section.

While I am most certainly relieved that the Holiday season is over, I have to share with you all that this season was particularly challenging for me. This year, I had no man to share it with. There was no "chestnuts roasting on an open fire", no"Santa Baby to hurry down the chimney tonight", and no "mistletoe to hang low while I get to know someone better, This Christmas". I found myself feeling lonelier than usual, distant, cranky and withdrawn. Have I mentioned to you that most of my friends are either engaged, or in long-term relationships? I spent the Holidays with other couples, when really what I wanted was to cuddle with someone special.
I also had the pleasure of finding out that my ex-husband got married and his new baby was born on Christmas Day. Hmmph. Yeah, I felt like I was the last single woman alive and I just needed to be close to someone. And in the midst of all this vulnerability, I started to feel a strong desire to have sex.

Even though I have known all too well that feeling after you've given up your virtue to someone who isn't The One. I was so willing to go back like "a dog returns to its vomit."(2 Peter 2:22) Have you ever slipped up, and seconds later you realize it just wasn't worth it?? I reached out and spoke with my accountability partner, a man whom I trust and love as a brother,(and who is also engaged to my best friend-for you eyebrow raisers!) and he asked me a simple question. Is it really sex that you're looking for or companionship?
Now that got me thinking..I had to pause a moment before I answered. I didn't want to have a few minutes of pleasure with just anyone. I actually wanted to have the real thing, someone to call 'baby', make goo-goo eyes with, hold hands, and talk on the phone into the wee hours of the night. A chocolate brother who smells nice, and looks good in turtlenecks to go shopping with, and have coffee downtown. I wanted to watch a movie and order pizza while the snow was falling. So, it was definitely companionship that I craved more. His answer was simple "You are a beautiful person, and you deserve to be loved. But if you continue to settle for less, then that's all you'll ever get." Sisters, how powerful it is to hear that from a man who sincerely has your best interest at heart!

I wish I could tell you that I got on my knees and cried out to God, and he answered by taking the desire away, but that didn't happen. It was a process, and it took real work on my part. I had to be willing to ask myself honest questions and give honest answers. Why was sex still my way of dealing with loneliness and vulnerability? Why, when I knew I wanted more was I still willing to compromise my value, and fall into lustful temptation and thinking? Why wasn't my virtue more important to me than temporary satisfaction of the flesh? And deep down, didn't my heart feel like it deserved so much more?

Well ladies, the answer I got from the Holy Spirit was that his "Grace is sufficient enough for me, and that his strength is made perfect in my weakness"(2 Cor. 12:9)...And that's all I heard. He began to show me my limitations, and how my depending on him to help me get through this season was much more about his effectiveness in my life than my own. In admitting that I was feeling weak, tempted, and vulnerable beyond my control only affirmed his strength. And this struggle definitely made me more sensitive to the needs of my fellow sisters.

Ladies, I'll close by reminding us all of this: We are beautiful, we do deserved to be loved, but if we settle for less-that's all we'll ever get..."So, yes I agree with Marvin Gaye when he said, "when I get that feeling..I need sexual healing". But since that isn't all I need, I'll wait on the Lord, and I trust him to bring me the desires of my heart.