In God's Eyes

If I could see myself the way you see me,
I would never settle for less
Stand up for what I believe
Take that which is rightfully mine
Refuse that which doesn't honor me
And trust You to be my Everything..

If I could see myself the way you see me,
I would never feel defeated
And if I felt depleted
I would seek You who completes me
I wouldn't compete with anyone
Or seek validation from men to feel whole
I wouldn't fear being alone
Because You are the lover of my soul..

If I could see myself the way you see me,
I would claim my spiritual authority
And be all that You designed me to be
I'd understand that your plan for me
Prevails adversity
I'd be free to give love and receive it in return
Wouldn't turn my back on lost souls
I'd be empowered to motivate and inspire
Knowing you'd bless me
With my hearts desires..


If I could see myself the way you see me,
I wouldn't fret over past mistakes
Take the opportunities you give me
And live fearlessly
I'd use my gifts and talents
Learn to live in complete balance
I would love and appreciate me
Just the way you created me
Because You see my flaws and insecurities
And still you accept me
Wanting only what's best for me
Loving me unconditionally
Forgiving me continually
And now my spirit will be free
As I begin
To see myself
The way you see me..

Platonic Frienship 101

A friendship can be one of the most valuable, rewarding relationships we have in life. But defining the word 'friend' can be challenging-especially when most of us have very different standards by which we measure our friends. Back in the day, calling someone a friend meant that this person was of the utmost importance to you, someone you shared good and bad times with, someone who you forged a cherished bond with, and someone who would always have your back. How do we even establish a friendship? It usually begins when you meet someone you have things in common with. Friends laugh, share secrets, and trust each other a great deal.

Over time, the word 'friend' has become a distorted concept we use as a cover up. Especially when it comes to the male/female arena. Years ago, Biz Markie exposed it when he penned the song, "Just A Friend". Yall know the lyrics, "You, you got what I need-but you say he's just a friend, but you say he's just a friend..." In this song he talks about a woman who claimed the man in her life was only her friend, though her actions proved otherwise. Then, some years later we end up with the term, "Friends with benefits". As if this is a more politically correct way of saying the word friendship has been redefined to include sex.

Webster defines the word friend as "one attached to another by affection or esteem, or a favored companion". Now that's a tricky definition, because of the use of heavy words like attached and affection. Affection is defined as a moderate feeling, emotion or tender attachment. This definition doesn't at all help us to have healthy relationships with men. Most of us consider affection physical,but it's not. You can be affectionate with someone by smiling, paying a compliment or just being pleasant. I've always considered myself an affectionate person, because I tend to hug people a lot-but that's touchy feely. And I'll be the first to admit that my touchy feelyness with guy friends is one of the first steps that blurs the line between friendship and dating.

Now I'm investigative by nature, so I'm always trying to get to the bottom of something. The dictionary is resourceful- but it's the world's resource as well. Ah, but Thank God for the Bible! And this of course is the #1 source for believers (should be anyway). We have a very clear example of what a friend truly is with Jesus. In John 15:13-17, He ministers to us by telling us exactly what his idea of a friend is. His dying for us was a price that we will never fully comprehend-yet it teaches us that dying, or giving up your life-is a sacrificial act that we do for those we love, especially our friends. We can listen, help, encourage, inspire, motivate, empower, and give whatever is necessary for that person to become the best they can be. Single women are known for saying that we aren't in a relationship, but that we have friends. Male friends, that we spend countless hours on the phone with well into the wee hours of the night, that take us out on dates, whose girlfriends we don't like(wonder why?), and that honestly we consider our 'backup baby-daddy' should Mr. Right never come. Now, I will be honest and say that I have had severe trouble being 'friends' with a man whom I find attractive. So, in the past when I've met someone that I was supposed to just be friends with, it ended up becoming more than that. I find it a bit easier to be friends after the relationship has ended, because now I already know why he isn't the one for me. But unhealthy patterns like these keep us entangled in situations and circumstances that actually prevent us from being free enough to even meet the man God has chosen for us. I've learned the hard way that not every man I meet is potential husband material. Oh, my sisters, how excruciatingly painful and exhausting it is to try to mold a man into who you want him to be,instead of just allowing him to be the man he is! I prayed and asked for help concerning platonic friendships, and though I'm still learning, I've come to understand where I was going wrong.


First of all, we must conquer our biggest barrier- constantly thinking, "Could He Be The One?" I believe there are some incredible men out there, sent to us while we are single to teach us about men, and prepare us for the one. But we decide that since he's a man, he must be our man. Even the woman in the image above(I chose it carefully) is giving her friend the eye and he's just enjoying her company. Just because he hangs out with you doesn't mean he's yours, or that he even looks at you in that way! Imagine this: You spend years befriending a man who you hope will someday look at you and say, "You're it. You've always been the one for me", but instead- he ends up in love with another woman? Exactly. We would feel betrayed, rejected, and probably stop talking to him altogether. But if we examine our motives upfront, we wouldn't create this emotional turmoil for ourselves. I know someone who is engaged, but is often seen flirting and touching other men she considers 'friends'. This is the perfect setup for an unhealthy marriage. Having lustful thoughts and actions towards every man takes away from our future relationship. Even those of us who aren't dating anyone, must be cautious with how we spend time with and relate to our male friends. Going to intimate places alone(i.e the movies, dimly lit restaurants), cuddling, smooching,holding hands, and lusting after each other is not at all friendship. Would you do it with your girl? Exactly.
I will end here, but sum it all up in three bullet points when pursuing healthy friendships with men:

• Be totally honest with yourself. Be willing to examine your heart for any hidden motives.
• Flirting,having intimate talks, and fantasizing about him is actually a dangerous territory and blurs the lines. Emotional integrity is a requirement for platonic friendship. Is he really just your friend, are you hoping for more?
• Pursuing a first love relationship with Jesus Christ, the best friend any of us could have, and he always wants to hang out with us.

God Bless you my sisters, and I can't wait to hear your feedback!

TRUST

Trust is defined by Webster's dictionary as the assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something. A second definition offers: one in which confidence is placed.

Trust is a major factor in life. Not just in our male/female relationships, but we often have trust issues within our friendships, families, churches, and most of all within our selves. How many times have you or someone you know mentioned how and why they just can't trust anybody? "Ooh, Girl. I don't trust nobody! Especially men. All they do is lie and cheat. Especially other women, all they do is gossip and stab you in the back because they're jealous of you. Especially Pastors, all they do is take up offerings and sleep with the congregation..."

What does it mean to trust someone? As a woman who has struggled with low self esteem and plenty insecurities for most of my life, I could not even conceive of it. Even a compliment such as "You are sooo beautiful!" would send me over the edge. I would get so caught up in the motive behind the compliment, that I couldn't receive it. "Does he think he's gonna get some? I hope he doesn't think I'm gonna fall for that!" I'll be the first to admit to the aforementioned statement. It was a motto I swore by for many years. I even went so far as to justify it by saying that I had to protect my self because nobody else would. Obviously, this wasn't during my true walk with Christ. This was when I was the one I depended on as my help and strength in times of need. Because of one incident in my early teens, I literally thought every guy would cheat on me-so I beat him to the punch. Time and time again. Playing Detective and Verse P.I...(In case you're wondering how that went, let's just say my self-protection plan wasn't pain proof). I often struggled with insane jealousy, checking cell phones, going through wallets, and conducting all these 'tests' I created to ease my insanity. If he returned my call by a certain time, I could trust him. If he noticed another woman walking by, I couldn't trust him. How ridiculous!


Proverbs 3:5 says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not to your own understanding." According to what I knew, you should never trust anyone, especially once you've been hurt. Our understanding leads us to believe that we can keep ourselves from experiencing any hurt with our 'no-trust' armor. More often than not, we only see ourselves as the victim of a betrayal. For example a person who lies has something to hide, but how is that a direct reflection on us? A response like, "See I knew I couldn't trust him!" only indicates that you were anticipating something of the like. But why? In essence the better question to ask would be, "Do I trust myself?"

A friend once shared with me, Where there is no trust there is no love. Ladies, let's be honest. These days we get involved way too soon with people we don't know. And instead of creating antics to keep him from hurting you, learn to love yourself enough to trust the decisions that you make. We are just a prayer away from true discernment. If there is something you feel uncertain about, I dare you to ask God to show you what you cannot see, and make it plain enough for you to understand. I wasted so much time in unhealthy relationships, because I didn't think enough of myself to value my own judgement, and I definitely didn't trust God enough to warn me when something wasn't right.

Here's the bottom line: We should spend a lot more time examining our thoughts on trust. The ability to trust someone should never be based on their actions. People will always disappoint us, even despite their best intentions not to. Once a liar or cheater has been exposed-learn from it! The Word also warns us to guard our hearts above all else. But complete trust in the Lord is the ultimate goal. Trust that He'll be right there beside you, especially when you're hurting. Trust that He will never leave or forsake you. Now, that's a word you can trust!

Is HE THE ONE?

We all have standards by which we measure whether or not a man is 'The One'. If you're anything like me, you've probably spent most of your life asking yourself if every man you meet is the one. Oh, come on now ladies! Don't pretend it's just me, you know how we do... that tall handsome brother at the grocery store flashes you a smile and/or a Hello, and as you turn your cart and start stalking him to see if he happens to pick up any Clairol Herbal Essences shampoo or sanitary napkins, you can already see him at the altar waiting on you to step down the aisle
to"All my Life" by K.C and Jo-Jo of Jodeci.

It's funny-most of us really love that song and choose it for our fantasy wedding. But who's listening to the lyrics? All my life, I prayed for someone like you-and I thank God that I, that I finally found you.... But are you really praying or preying? If we truly prayed for our mates, and put it in God's hands- the divorce rate would be a lot lower. Instead we take matters into our own hands and decide based on our own understanding what makes a man the one.

I had a huge revelation today- that the elements that form this ministry are the same elements that make up the requirements for who 'The One' is. Let me break it down: H is for Heal, E is for Empower, and M is for Motivate. These three key elements are the way to know for sure if the man you're with is for you. Let's Define Him...

Healing is defined by Webster's as to make whole or bring restoration. After a full day of nurturing and ministering, your man should be able to pour into you. After a hard day's work, he should not be draining you. If you're feeling down, broken and insecure he should be able to restore you. A line from one of my favorite movies (Madea's Family Reunion) involves Boris Kodjoe towering over a woman who is apprehensive about dating him because of a wounded heart, he says "Some men come to restore."

Empower means to give power to or enable. Does he believe in you? Respect and Value your opinion? Does he belittle you or make you feel like an object? Always seeking control? Does he enable you to pursue your purpose? Does he promote your voice, or try to silence you because he's intimidated or jealous? Does he respect the authority God has given you, or feel that as a woman you should 'stay in your place'-seen and not heard? Pretty to look at, but not smart enough to be listened to? A man who empowers you isn't threatened by your accomplishments, but proud of you. He doesn't try to compete with you, He encourages you to do your thing. He stands behind you 100%, even when he doesn't get any credit. When you get thrown into the spotlight, he stands in the background-comfortably.

Motivate means to give motive, something (as a need or desire) that causes a person to act. Men can either be one of two things in your life; a Motivation or a Distraction. It's your choice. If you get with him and suddenly all you do is sleep all day when you used to be a go-getter, or spend all your money on him when you should be saving and getting out of debt, then he's not for you. I've unfortunately learned this lesson the hard way! On the other hand, he could motivate you to set goals and attain them, start your own business, and pursue your purpose!

All these elements make our mates a blessing and not a curse. Ironically, they are all verbs-action words. Just as Love is measured best by one's actions, and not what they say. The greatest love of all is when Christ laid down his life for us. It gets no better than that!

Matt 9:20 Says she touched the hem of his garment to be me made whole. Until we find him, let H.E.M be THE ONE!

Restless in bed and sleepless through the night, I longed for my lover.
I wanted him desperately. His absence was painful.
So I got up, went out and roved the city,
hunting through streets and down alleys.
I wanted my lover in the worst way!
I looked high and low, and didn't find him.
And then the night watchmen found me
as they patrolled the darkened city.
"Have you seen my dear lost love?" I asked.
No sooner had I left them than I found him,
found my dear lost love.
I threw my arms around him and held him tight,
wouldn't let him go until I had him home again,
safe at home beside the fire.

Oh, let me warn you, sisters in Jerusalem,
by the gazelles, yes, by all the wild deer:
Don't excite love, don't stir it up,
until the time is ripe—and you're ready.

-Song of Solomon 3

Looking for HIM?

It's everywhere we look. On T.V, our favorite magazines, in ads and billboards. What to do to find Mr. Right. Even in age where there are more single women running households, at the top of corporate ladders, and even leaders in ministry-we are still desperately seeking a husband to fulfill that last slice of American Dream Pie.

Now- I do not underestimate the value of having companionship, somebody to keep you warm at night, going on romantic rendezvous, exchanging Christmas presents and overall just having someone by your side to make life a bit sweeter.

But I don't overestimate it either. See, I'm done with the idea that being in a relationship will make me whole, complete, or even happy. I'm working hard at this time in my life to achieve those things within myself. So, when the appropriate time comes-I can bring a healthy 'Me' to the table...

Single ladies, hear me out! We tend to get sooo caught up in dating & racing to the altar that we lose of sight of our God-given purpose before we ever fulfill it. Without taking the time to get to know yourself completely, you throw yourself into a compromising relationship that will eventually kill your spirit, and drain your motivation.

We are so busy looking for him, that we never see H.I.M. Once we find healing in Christ, we are Inspired and Motivated to create the life we were designed to have.

Can't wait to hear your thoughts... What's so bad about being Single?

Free To Be Me!

I recently attended a women's conference, called "Free to Be Me". It was absolutely life changing for me! Although I have to be honest and say I went with a 'spirit of expectation'-still I got much more than I thought possible.


It's amazing to me how much emotional baggage we carry around through out our lives,yet pretend that we have it all together. I would venture to say that most of us don't have a clue who we really are,because the true you is often hidden beneath a warrior mask-to shield yourself from the world around you.


I'll be the first to admit, being vulnerable isn't easy. Especially when you've been hurt. But creating a persona based on the horrible events of your past can actually hinder you from creating a glorious future. Maybe you were called ugly and stupid as a child. Molested by a family member. Abandoned by your first boyfriend because you weren't ready to have sex. What do you do with that hurt? Do you bury it deep inside you and pretend it didn't happen, Or do you share that experience with someone you trust-to explore the possibility of getting help and letting it go?


So many women are in bondage to hurt, abuse,depression, and low self-esteem-yet rarely ask for help. These same women are mothers, wives, successful businesswomen, teachers, doctors, lawyers, and probably even the first lady of your church or ministry leader in your place of worship. Healing doesn't come because you show up to work and get the job done. Healing doesn't even come from being ambitious. In fact, what most of us consider ambition is actually a cover up to prove that we can do it, and we are not stupid!


Don't get me wrong-I am not speaking against determination or perseverance. But your actions never justify your motives. Are you single because you've been hurt and you're so drenched in bitterness that if a man looked your way you would spew all that resentment on him? Or are you the workaholic who stays busy because you refuse to focus on you?


This conference gave me the opportunity to open up about who I've become based on things that happened to me in the past. I'll give you an example. I was a very promiscuous teenager and young adult, who had no idea how to exist in a relationship that didn't include sex. Now in my 30s I realize that this wasn't anything to be proud of, and it actually distracted me from pursuing my goals. I was consumed by relationships, always feeling like I just had to be with somebody. Because of this hunger-I usually settled for way less than I deserved, and always felt empty inside after the resulting breakup.


I found that I'd become a huge mass of broken pieces. And while I can't go and get all my "pieces" back from various men-I opened up the space in my heart for God to restore what I felt was lost. Now I understand that emotional intimacy can be fulfilled in all sorts of ways. And Love does not equal sex! I love me, and don't needed to be validated by spreading my legs. And you know what? Beautiful Mosaics are made from broken pieces of glass!





For more information regarding conferences like these, visit http://freetobemeinc.com/





VersAnnette Blackman


Founder


Heal..Empower..Motivate!

Welcome to H.E.M!

Welcome! Thanks so much for stopping by... Originally I thought my first post would be something introductory, but quite frankly I would just like to jump right into it! So, I won't spend too much time inviting you to the site-because you're already here!

I will tell you that this blog began as a thought, and then a vision. The mission and purpose here is to explore new ways to connect with women who are on a journey to wholeness! The acronym for H.E.M is Heal, Empower, Motivate. We will explore the definition behind these words in the near future, but for now I believe they are self-explanatory.The target audience is Women, but everyone is welcome. I invite you to read, write, share your thoughts, experiences, and feel free to encourage and inspire anyone-myself included! Let's take the first step towards becoming our best selves!