GREAT EXPECTATIONS

I have had the pleasure of reconnecting with an old friend from high school. I'm sure most of you would agree that social websites like Facebook are very valuable, and you can almost find ANYONE from your past. This friend also happened to be a guy that I had a crush on during my sophomore year. We never dated; we only spoke on the phone a few times before I was coerced into doing a 3-way phone call with him and a girlfriend to see "what he would do" if she pretended to be interested in him as well.

As I listened in, I realized that he was human...she called him up, put on her best sexy voice and played a game that I would venture to say only high school aged girls do-but I know that's not true. Her attempts to help me "see where his head was" resulted in my being broken-hearted. He played right into what she was saying, and they agreed to meet up outside a particular class during 8th period. Even though he didn't show up, and probably didn't take it seriously, in my mind this was a clear warning that I wasn't good enough for him and he was going to hurt me. I stopped speaking to him without ever confronting the situation and being honest enough to admit we played a game on him. I just chalked him up to being a 'playa' and went home to cry my eyes out and write in my journal about how ugly I was, and how my booty wasn't big enough and the boys didn't like me. I felt that my friend was so pretty she could have any guy she wanted-and of course he would respond to her because all the guys did. I was already insecure and self-conscious and obviously didn't think enough of myself to just believe that this guy liked me for me.I was doomed for the start...with all this mental jargon, I didn't have any room in my head to just get to know him.

This experience taught me a lot about expectations. See, at 16 years old I wasn't assertive enough to say no to something that made me uncomfortable. Why did I allow someone else to decide how I was going to measure a man's integrity? And why did that have to include game playing and manipulation? Ironically, we never called any of her male friends to play that same game! Even though he was only 17; I expected him to respond by telling my friend he wasn't the slightest bit interested in her- because we were talking. We had only spoken on the phone for a few weeks before this happened,and I really liked him...until the 3-way happened. I ceased all contact with him only because he had failed to meet my expectations.

Ladies, it's amazing how we rush into relationships thinking that we are supposed to set the standard by how well a guy responds to our demands. We hardly ever take the time to really, truly get to know who he is before we decide he belongs to us. We take points off his rating chart immediately if he does things we don't like. This is where the pressure to deceive us begins for men. If he smokes cigarettes, but you despise smoking...he may feel pressured to not smoke around you; and in your eyes that might make him a liar, or a fake. If you're just getting to know him and you haven't discussed being exclusive, why does he need to turn his phone on silent and pretend his other female friends don't exist? If you're at dinner and he notices an attractive woman walk by, why should you get angry if he's just your friend?

What's interesting to me is that we do not take men at their word. A lot of times they tell us EXACTLY what they are willing or not willing to do. "I'm not obligated to anyone," or "I'm not ready for a relationship..." But somewhere between their words and our ears, the message gets lost and we feel they should do what we want them to do. But it is soooooo important that we learn to be friends first. That means I don't expect him to pay for dinner, I can't get mad if he doesn't return my phone call, and if he happens to want to see someone else-that shouldn't cease our friendship. Think about it-if your girl did any of these things, you wouldn't be upset with her, because she's your friend. And yall know sometimes we don't call each other right back, and we always split the bill when we go out to dinner!!! Why should it be any different when it comes to a guy friend? Just because you're interested in him and there may even be some chemistry-doesn't mean you try to train his behavior. The best thing we can do is to just lean back and relax and just enjoy the process. Let him show you who he really is before you start to invest all your assets. If you have a hard time keeping expectations low because you held hands at the movies or kissed at dinner, then perhaps you need to discuss this with him. It's funny that we hardly ever communicate how we are feeling and thinking to the man, but tell our girlfriends everything. "Girl, I just don't know...he didn't even call me back last night. He was probably out with some..." Now how easy would it be to just say "listen, I know that we're just friends but it makes me uneasy when you don't return my calls..." Let him respond the way he naturally would, as opposed to what you want to hear, and this is how you get to know someone.

Many relationships fail when people are pressured to become someone they aren't. I don't know about you ladies, but I would much rather a man spend time with me because he genuinely wants to- not because he feels obligated. He may have other options, but his choosing to call me and hang out with me lets me know where he stands. And I don't have to play games to figure this out!

In conclusion, it's been 16 years since I last saw my high school crush...and this weekend we hung out. We had a spectacular time, and it's definitely the beginning of an incredible friendship. I am refusing to carry a long list of expectations of what and who he's supposed to be and do for me. Instead, I'm just going to enjoy his company and see where it goes...I believe that whatever God wants to be will be.

God Bless you Ladies, and I can't wait to hear your thoughts!